Of everyone that I’ve seen in-and-around Los Angeles, this is the one celebrity I wish I had done the uncouth “I’m a geeky fanboy, will you sign my face?!” move for. He’s such a cool guy (reference his filmography!), and I’m a total die-hard Firefly fan. After walking away, I thought of a half-dozen appropriate, “I’m a cool fan” greetings I could have used. Hrmph. I suppose it’s best that I didn’t, though, as we were on a rather stretch of sidewalk that’s highly trafficked, in front of La Poubelle at the corner of Bronson and Franklin in Franklin Village, and it probably would have been completely awkward. I nonetheless feel the need to express my gratitude and geekyness to one of the hunkier gods of sci-fi. If you’re out there Nathan, I’m the guy who was wearing the blue-and-yellow sweatshirt walking the world’s cutest dog! Couldn’t have missed me!

I guess I’m going to have to spend some time making a list of celebrities I would totally approach (probably most of the people from BSG, Star Trek, or Firefly) and prepare appropriate methods of telling them how, if I have the opportunity before they can realize what I’m doing, I’m going to tear their clothes off and weave them into bedsheets and washcloths. That way if this happens again, I won’t be complaining about a missed opportunity.

Just a few weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from Livingston Volkswagen, in Woodland Hills near where I work, with three coupons: one for a “pull ahead” program where the last few payments on my lease would be “forgiven,” one for up to $2,500 off a new vehicle, and one for something else which didn’t apply to me.

Excited that I may have the opportunity to get a new vehicle early, I went down to the dealership and made an appointment to speak with a salesman a few days later. On Thursday, 12-6, I went in to the dealership and walked out with a new, 2008 Jetta. I won’t bore you with the details of the sales process, but I will make note that the dealership basically duped me into coming in — none of the three coupons ended up applying to me.

I originally wanted a new Passat, but apparently Volkswagen has moved the Passat “up” in their lineup, increasing the price and amenities included. Meanwhile, the Jetta has also moved up, and is now almost exactly the same size inside, not to mention the same price, as my previous Passat was.

First and foremost, I was impressed with the engine’s responsiveness. My Passat had a 4-cylinder turbo, which did quite well on the highway but was sluggish in city driving due to a 1+ second response pause from a dead stop. While it was irksome, I had learned how to deal with it. Meanwhile, the new Jetta’s five-cylinder, six-speed is sporty to the point of almost being jumpy. I barely have to tap the gas to have it pounce forward. As usual, the engine sounds a bit uncouth (same with my old Passat), but the triptronic manual shifting is fun, and there’s even a “sport mode” now that’s automatic, but shifts later and completely removes the top gear. As an added bonus, the triptronic now allows you to launch from second gear, which was not a possibility on the Passat.

Overall, there is a marked difference in the feel between the two vehicles. While the Passat felt like it was sitting right on the edge of being a luxury car, with a smooooooth ride, the Jetta feels distinctly sporty. At times, on city streets at medium speeds, I’m sometimes irked by just how much of the road I feel. In LA, this translates into a feeling of riding a horse, at times, whereas I never had any experience like this in the Passat.

The exterior, as everyone has remarked ad nauseum, looks a bit common. Yes, I’ll say it: there are strong similarities to the Corolla. Oh well.

A small thing I miss, which the Passat had, are the lights on the bottom-side of the mirrors which illuminated when you unlocked the vehicle. They were a nice touch that are missing on the Jetta. Meanwhile, a much-needed addition which did make it are mirror turning signals. I’m also impressed by the front-end bumper, which appears sporty, but is also apparently some form of adamantium; I’ve escaped unscathed from hitting smallish (but thick!) piece of plywood, and plowing into one of those intersections where the cross street arches up from a drainage conduit.

Inside, refinements abound over the Passat. The “leatherette,” (some form of vinyl faux-leather) is a suitable approximation, and gives the car a high-end feel. The seats are sturdy and strong, whereas the Passat’s often felt (as someone else described them) “floppy.” And finally, a fix for the nigh-unusable seat-back reclining handle on my Passt: the Jetta is equipped (on the driver’s side only) with an auto-seat-back, controlled with a small button.

The “mood lights,” are a nice touch, adding red LED lighting into the over-head console to illuminate the shifter. The rest of the interior continues the sporty theme, but doesn’t feel cheap. Heated seats on my edition are a much-appreciated addition, which I hadn’t expected, considering where I live. But even “leatherette” seats feel cold at 50 degrees around 6:00 am! Speaking of heat, the air conditioning and heating are much faster to respond now, owed to (according to my research on VW forums) the engine now automatically “revving” after a cold-start to get things moving.

Although the Jetta doesn’t have the neat little umbrella holders that the new Passat has, there are other small touches like cupholders in the doors which are nice, as well as the lack of an ashtray, but a nice-sized recessed tray in it’s place under the climate controls. Shame that there’s no coin holder in either that tray, or your elbow-rest, though. Speaking of the controls, they’re much more pleasing to use now with a smoother turn and also little “clicks” when you move the dial to each setting. I’m also glad they added a more intuitive interior-lighting system, which turns on overhead lights in the front AND back with one switch up front, whereas the Passat only turned on all the lights up front when you used a similar switch. The new glove compartment is much improved, with a nifty, separated slot for your manual.

My Jetta has a six-CD in dash changer with satellite radio and an AUX hookup (but NOT the iPod holster). Although the new radio is worlds above the old Passat’s, the Sirius Radio leaves something to be desired in terms of reliability. There have been more than a few times where I’ve run through patches of completely open-air where the signal mysteriously dropped repeatedly. I’m definitely enjoying the new changer, though, and the much more modern feel of the buttons and dials. I wish I could figure out how to use the MP3 data system, though — the manual says you can burn CDs with the track info on them, but despite quite a bit of time looking on the internet for how to do this, I’m at a complete loss. Apparently the VW engineers knew something that the rest of us don’t. I am impressed, however, with the “auto-volume” feature, which returns the volume to a sensible, quiet level if you turn the stereo off, and then back on.

The Jetta’s “helpfulness” category is a mixed bag in comparison to the Passat. One huge, much-loved new feature is a trunk that opens itself from the key fob. Whereas the Passat’s trunk would unlatch from the fob, I often had to struggle to open it. (I repeatedly complained to the service dept about the hydrolics being far too “stiff,” but they didn’t seem to agree.) The Jetta’s, in contrast, pops completely open from the fob, which has saved me a lot of bag shifting. On the inside, I’m thanking the VW gods for getting rid of the god-awful seatbelt warning they had on the Passat, which warned you if your belt was unlatched even when in park. On the Jetta, you don’t get a reminder until you go over 8 miles per hour (which is the same time the doors automatically lock). On the flipside, the Passat was great about reminding you the lights were on, with a constant, shrieking tone once the doors opened. The Jetta replaces this with a humble, quiet chime that seems like it’ll be easy to ignore when I’m in a hurry.

And finally, the last, best feature? No more premium gasoline! While the new Passat still requires it, the Jetta does just fine with good old “regular.” Hopefully, this’ll save me a few bucks every month.

Overall, I’m enjoying the new Jetta. It’s more fun to drive than the Passat was, but in a slightly more compact way — while not sacrificing any interior room. Refinements abound, while only some of the niceties of the Passat are lacking. I look forward to enjoying my new car until this lease is almost-up again.

So from now on, any time a Christian even begins to talk about their religion, no matter what the context, I’m going to ask them the questions listed below. I suggest anyone else who is concerned about how religion continues to poison America do the same.

Here we go:

• Name at least five of the Ten Commandments.
• Name all four of the Gospels.
• Tell me who Joan of Arc was.
• In which book of the Bible is the following quote found?: “God helps those who help themselves.” (Or, at least, who said it?)
• In which book of the Bible is the following quote found?: “Hate the sin, love the sinner.” (Or, at least, who said it?)

Basically, if you can’t even answer these most basic of questions about your faith, then you’re pretty much worthless as a Christian. Don’t expect “heaven.” You’re better off casting off the bounds of Christianity and simply considering yourself a person with empty beliefs about abortion, gay marriage, and other social touchpoints that have been forced on you by pedophile preachers and the hypocritical churches they represent.

PS: The reason I’m asking these specific questions? Well, read for yourself.

If you’re not a Harry Potter fan, first off, why not — I am. I’m not going to lie about it, and I don’t want anyone to think I’m writing this because I hate the books. I loved them. But second, you probably don’t know who these people are, so here’s some background. Dumbledore is the headmaster of the school of magic which Harry Potter attends. Everyone loves this character, because he’s good, wise, etc. In the book, we learn of a “close friend” who was almost an equal in magic skills to the nearly impervious Dumbledore. Eventually, the big D has to kill this “close friend” because he ends up being a nutjob. Whatev.

So, in the book, there’s absolutely no mention of Dumbledor’s sexuality. Not an inkling. All we know is that him and the friend he ends up having to kill were very close, and schemed for a long time to take over the world together. Here’s the thing, though: I’m gay, as we all know. And basically, I think every guy I meet is gay. I kinda even thought that the actor in the movies portrayed Dumbledore as a little femmy. But it never even crossed my mind that this character was actually gay.

Now Rowling tells us he is. Woohoo and shit. Why did she even bother? What the fuck difference does it make, now that everyone has bought and read the books to their kids and long since shelved them in favor of the fall lineup?

If Rowling really gave a shit, she would have at least made a half-hearted attempt at writing this into the book. She obviously thought that everyone else’s relationships were worth talking about — nearly every major character besides Dumbledore either:

• developed a relationship (Harry, Hermione, Ron, Cho, etc.);
• already had a relationship (Weasly parents, eldest Weasly brother, Harry’s parents, etc.);
• defined their sexuality clearly (Fred and George, etc.);
• or clearly had a crush on another character (Snape).

The only noticeable exclusions are a few of the teachers, like McGonagall. But, on the other hand, none of the professors besides Dumbledore had their history deeply explained. In Dumbledore’s case, we learned a great deal about his past and the numerous relationships with friends and family. Yet never once did Rowling drop an actual, bona-fide hint that he had queer inclinations.

Thus, I again wonder: why bother? Just because it’s safe? You’ve made more money than you could possibly know what to do with, and even if the last two movies lose gobs of money you don’t give a shit? Brave, sister. Real brave. Thanks for all your support.

Here’s a message to all you celebs out there: talk is cheap. If you really care about GLB issues, and if you really want to make a difference, don’t go around talking about how you’re not going to get married until gay people can (I’m talking to you Branjelina), and don’t retro-actively re-write history. Instead, spend some of that cold hard cash on GLB lobbying. Support GLB rights and equality in the heartland and abroad, in countries where GLB people are killed for their sexual orientation. Quit talking out of both sides of your mouth while you support the heterosexual establishment and give lip-service to GLB issues.

Rip up the concrete parking lots, demolish the buildings, ring the place with a nice 6′ chain-link fence, and create urban greenery right on our main roads and highways. We can reclaim these vestiges of corporate waste for the public good.

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Let’s talk pits. If personal hygiene makes you queasy, move on dear reader.

So, I’ve always known that I have some sensitivity to deodorants. I’ve never been able to use antiperspirants, and up until a few months ago the only deodorant that didn’t give me a rash was Right Guard. I’ve been using this since high school, and only had problems every now and again, when an itchy rash would appear. I’d have to forgo deodorant for a week or two, but otherwise would be fine. Apparently, not using deodorant is a capital offense from what I’ve heard lately, but no one ever complained to me so either I didn’t smell very bad, or they didn’t notice.

A few weeks ago, however, I developed a pretty painful rash under my arms and had to stop using Right Guard altogether. I thought that perhaps this was normal, considering how hot it had been here in LA, and just dealt with it by regularly wiping under my arms with wet-wipes. Yes, I know, gross.

This went on for a few days, so I decided to investigate some other options, and headed out to the local Walgreens. I found “Tom’s of Maine Natural Care Natural Deodorant Stick,” which stated on the package “natural deodorant combines the botanicals sage and lemongrass, in a formula that is effective at fighting odor, yet gentle on the skin.” Hmm, ok, I’ll give it a try.

Over the course of the next few days, I was amazed at how there was absolutely no B.O. happening, but chagrined by a gradually worsening rash. After just four days, I was in such a state of itchyness, I discontinued Tom’s and had to actually go to the doctor for relief. There, I was given an anti-fungal, and urged not to use Tom’s anymore. So much for that.

It continued to be mightily hot in LA, however, and it was difficult to try and, shall we say, “cleanse” my underarms at work to avoid raising any eyebrows. I went at lunch to Target and bought a new type of spray-on, Arrid. It had a great, fresh smell, for the win. This, too, ended up giving me a rash however — though, not as bad as either Right Guard or Tom’s had done.

At my wit’s end, I gave up on deodorant and figured I would end up just having to keep my arms glued to my side for the rest of my life.

Until I met my new best friend: “TCCD International Naturally Fresh Deodorant Crystals Spray Mist for Men & Women.” I don’t know WTF is up with the name, either, but this shit works.

Not only is there no smell, but it’s clear, has a pump spray (”good for the environment!” they say), and doesn’t give me a damn rash. I can’t say enough about it, except what I already have. Go buy yourself some at Walgreens today and forget about roll-on crap forever!

And no, I’m not getting paid for this post. I’m just so happy to be odor free, I have to tell the world!

What’s so astonishing to me, though, is the fact that after everything Catholicism and the Protestant branch have been through, they remain completely oblivious to the absolute paradox that is organized religion. A pope who pretends to represent a peasant from the 2000 years ago, but wears Prada? Please.

The greatest joke, though, is that for the last 1000 years, Christianity has been the a required part of daily life. You didn’t have the option of saying “No thanks!” without finding yourself on the business end of a pitchfork. But today, as the church’s influence wanes, they remain steadfast in the most foolish of their beliefs and activities. The wonderful thing is that it’s no longer the choice of the church to squelch criticism and demand steadfast belief. There is no more expectation of religiosity, but instead it is simply a choice. Which apparently, many aren’t making any more.

Listen, don’t get me wrong: I’m so glad that T. R. Knight came out of the closet. He’s a major figure in one of the most successful current prime-time shows, and he’s still playing a heterosexual successfully after coming out — something no one else in recent memory has been able to do. That’s great. And he’s a super-lovable little chap, who’s always very humble about his achievements and all that. And he’s on Ellen, talking about his coming out. Awesome.

So why am I complaining, right? Well, watch the clip. Near the end, Ellen asks him how he feels about closeted celebs. I think it’s become very clear over the past few years, to the general public, that there’s a wealth of really rowdy homos who are walking around like straighties, but won’t come out. It’s a public secret, so to speak, and the actors guild doesn’t seem to be talking.

But I get tired of watching T. R., among others, apologize for these people by saying shit like “Everyone’s on their own path.”

Bullshit. If you’re gay, you’re gay. And if you’re an actor and you’re gay, then don’t fuck around. Don’t these people have any sense of obligation to the gay community? Any desire to see gay people move beyond this marginalized gray space we’re in now? To have people understand that we’re everywhere (I’m looking at you Ahmadinejad!)? I get that’s he’s just being polite, but really, why?!

Look into the camera and tell people that you came out (albeit, against your will), and you’re still making loads of cash! Quit being such a wimp about it! Stand up for the rest of us who know that all these queers are hiding behind their pink curtains!

Hazel Massery is my father’s wife’s mother, so I was particularly interested in this story. After finishing it, however, I can’t decide just how I feel. It seems at times unfair and bitter, though quite an informative read. I had no idea about Hazel’s early life, and I can’t help wondering how much is second-hand information, and how much was taken directly from interviews with Hazel.