10 Things the Techno-Retarded Want the IT Guy to Know
Aug 6th, 2007 by Jordan
(In response to “10 things your IT guy wants you to know“.)
1. Please don’t talk down to me just because you know everything about everything. Just because I am not a Level 110 in Warcraft does not mean I am complete moron — I just don’t spend my entire day making love to a computer screen. If I’m “arguing” with you, it’s only because I want to know how this works so that it doesn’t happen again. I likely have gotten bad information in the past, which is why I am positive that I’m right about you being wrong. Be patient with me, and explain things in terms that I can understand.
2. Starting a conversation by not indulging me in a little self-depreciation is a quick way for me to insult your libido and backne as soon as I get off the phone. And trust me, the people in my department are a lot cooler than you are — we can walk in the sun without cringing, we have leg muscles AND arm muscles, our hair can be properly combed, and we know not to wear a tie with a short-sleeve shirt. So unless you want to look like a total asshat as soon as I hang-up, learn some office diplomacy and give me a chance to submit myself before your thrown of technical supremacy. You never know when you’re going to need someone to change your flat tire.
3. If I’m lying to you about a mistake I made, it’s only because I was doing something I know I shouldn’t have been doing. Join the real world and realize when we peons have to cut each other some slack and just cover for each other, instead of giving me the Spanish inquisition when I fib a little. If, as you say, you can monitor everything I do, have done, and will do, then why don’t you pull up your super-secret-monitoring-file of what I just did? I’ve been threatened so many times with key-loggers and e-mail records, I would think you’d just be able to read a list of the mouse-clicks I just made and tell me how to reverse this.
4. Even if I did something wrong, I still need a scapegoat. Technology makes me feel like a moron, and the fact that you’re sitting here telling me that I just lost two weeks worth of work because I pushed the wrong button isn’t helping anything. Please don’t act like an insensitive jerk when I don’t know how to respond. As far as I’m aware, everything can be fixed, and everything can be recovered. Don’t you guys make backups?
5. I don’t care whether YOU think it’s urgent or not. Did you grow up in a bean-pod? Or have you just never worked at a Wendy’s or something? Do you not have any idea what customer service is? Even if it’s not urgent to you, at least make me THINK it’s urgent. And by being a vindictive little howler monkey and ignoring my shit, you’re just making me more angry.
6. Are you the only one who works in IT? Tell your manager it’s time to hire more people, because you’re too busy juggling dragons to get all of the support tickets done.
7. Ignoring my e-mails all day long is not only unnecessary, it’s highly annoying. Just because you can get away with playing the games I’m not allowed to install on my desktop doesn’t mean that I have found a way to pass the time without my boss knowing, or caring. If you’re not fixing my shit, then I’m sitting here wasting time with a middle-manager breathing down my back for something to get done. My problem doesn’t go away until you fix it, and if you don’t respond in any kind of way to tell me what I should expect, then I can only assume that you’ve either accidentally deleted the e-mail, it got caught in your junk box, or you’re ignoring me. Throw me a bone and e-mail me back promptly to tell me you’ve received my e-mail, and are looking into it. Then follow up with me on a regular basis, regardless of whether you have something “useful” to tell me or not. This is the same thing I do with customers who are waiting to hear where their money/documents/whatever went. Show me some courtesy.
8. I prefer the phone over e-mail, because I know that you can avoid e-mail and act like you’re busy when the floodgates open. With the phone, at least I have your attention. And despite what you may think, you’re neither an English scholar, nor professor — your e-mails are always cryptic and hard-to-follow. I don’t like trying to follow your instructions, because I have no idea how to open half the panels you’re asking me to. I have no idea how to get to the “Control Panel” because I’m not a mage and I don’t possess the Ring of Geekyness. Welcome to the real world — only dorks like you use e-mail. The rest of us use the phone because we can get things done in five minutes, instead of fifty minutes and five e-mails.
9. You may not care that you have no manners, but that’s only because down in your fortress of solitude, you and your arrogant ego don’t need them. But for the rest of us that live in the cubicle reality, we try not to piss each other off just for the sake of it. Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean a few kind words don’t go a long way. And just because it doesn’t make a difference to you that I made a mistake, doesn’t mean that my boss isn’t listening in to this phone call, or reading my e-mail, to find out how big of a screwup I am. I am going to take it personal, especially when you’re being passive-aggressive about telling me what a stupid mistake I just made. Trust me — the contempt your stroking goes both ways.
10. Don’t lie. I know you saw me chatting up Lisa in accounting, and you’re sitting down there stoking your “rage” (hah!) and finding a way to seek vengeance. If you’d ditch the clip-on and help me out now and then, maybe I’d show you how to talk to a girl without drooling or casting a double-roundhouse-rogue-hex to impress her.
See Also:
[…] 10 Things the Techno-Retarded Want the IT Guy to Know […]
You should read this: http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2007/08/a_response_to_the_technoretard.html
To the above post, I might add: I can nail any girl I want (and do), and while I’m at it (all three hours of it) I can think of a recursive way to deal with my email sorting.
It’s not all like the movies, and if all you have as your best attack is that programmers are socially inept, ugly, out-of-shape, losers then you’re just as much of a douche-bag as your post makes you sound.
Remember that the smarter someone is the better they are at most things, not just programming. If someone can handle calculus, they’ll have an easy time dealing with your social bullshit and beating you at the game of politics without you even realizing it.
Idiot.
“give me a chance to submit myself before your thrown of technical supremacy”
It’s spelled ‘throne’. Even if you are too ‘techno-retarded’ to figure out how to use a spell checker, surely you know how to use a dictionary, right? I could spend all day pointing out the spelling and grammatical errors in your post, you leave the impression that technology isn’t your only area of retardation. And you wonder why the IT guy treats you like a moron? It’s not so much because of your technical ineptness, it’s your ineptness in general. If you’re going to make a blog post using nerd stereotypes and ranting about about IT guys and the obvious contempt they have for you, it really might help if you make sure you don’t justify their behavior and arrogance by making yourself look like such an idiot.
I am going to give you a handy tip. It is probably not best to write rants like this about IT guys using a *computer* on the *internet*. If anything I hope you at least had the smarts to not post it during work hours on your office network. This crap belongs in your diary right.
Also don’t forget that most of us IT guys are on call. As in, next time you see an IT guy wearing less then desierable clothing remember we don’t always have the time to check up on the current fashion trends at 2am when a bit of hardware fails and our phones starts buzzing like crazy. When was the last time you were up on a VPN or in the office long before the sun had risen making sure everything would be okay for when your sorry ass strolled in.
And for what it’s worth while you were typing this up on your lunch break, the IT guys in my department were: training for a marathon, doing a sprint work out on their bicycle, flirting with one of the cute designers, and socializing out in the cafeteria. I was the one getting the cute gal worked up in a tizzy and no I didn’t have to cast a “double-roundhouse-rogue-hex” to impress her. Although when she asked me if I played World of Warcraft *too* I did smile a bit.
Asshole.
Please stop leaving nasty messages on my blog. This is SATIRE. I play World of Warcraft. I’m gay — I certainly don’t have any mojo to pick up chicks. I don’t know how to change a tire.
Chill the fuck out.
/eatcrow
In response to my /eatcrow I think the thing is you did _such_ a good job with that one. You may have thought you were using hyperbole but from my experiences it was not and too close to the truth.
The scary thing is, everything you listed? I’ve either had said to me, or heard said to one of my coworkers.
Funny that you’re willing to attack a stereotypical IT Guy for treating you like a stereotypical user. Thing is? Most IT folks are actually very nice, hard-working people who really do understand customer service.
Most of us IT folks understand that not every user is as unappreciative and rude to us as the stereotype. Most users supply us with reasonable descriptions of problems, are willing to learn how to avoid issues in the future, and are grateful that we take time away from our regular duties to help them. Yep, that’s right — helping users is not the main job of the IT folks, so when you ring them, you’re likely interrupting something important that takes a great deal of concentration.
So, I have to wonder if *you* might be the problem here: if you treat IT folks as inferior to you, you shouldn’t be surprised when they get annoyed.
[…] 07.08 | Darren Meyer in 10 Things the Techno-Retarded Want the IT Guy to K… […]
No more comments on this post — people aren’t reading what I wrote above about this being satire. For more information, see: IT People Sure are Punchy!.